The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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