Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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