margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
