so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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