I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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