She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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