youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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