You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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