when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
