btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
