I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
