Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
