I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
