Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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