I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
