White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Randomize
