i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
