We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
