if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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