you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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