I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
