Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
