i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
