HIV tests are more positive than that guy
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
try to milk me bitch
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
