An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
