I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
