The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
