When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
