watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
