This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
