So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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