I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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