you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
