I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
