Have you finally orgasmed yet?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
