I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
