Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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