I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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