You're my little dorito
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
