im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
