Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
