I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
