Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
