and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
