Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
