She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
