Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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