Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
As shirtless as possible
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
