Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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