for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
