I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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